In the wake of the #MeToo movement and a growing number of sexual assault allegations, it's especially important to protect yourself and be aware of what consent does (and doesn't) look like. Why? Explicit consent is the difference between what could be a fun time, and ruining your life and the life of another person. The DoJ defines sexual assault as
According to the Oxford Dictionary,
explicit
- Stated clearly and in detail, leaving no room for confusion or doubt. ‘the arrangement had not been made explicit’
According to the CDC:
State laws vary widely, but from both a medical and legal standpoint, consent is key. So what does consent look like in a sexual context?
According to RAINN,
Consent is an agreement between participants to engage in sexual activity. There are many ways to give consent, and some of those are discussed below. Consent doesn’t have to be verbal, but verbally agreeing to different sexual activities can help both you and your partner respect each other’s boundaries.
How does consent work in real life?
When you’re engaging in sexual activity, consent is about communication. And it should happen every time. Giving consent for one activity, one time, does not mean giving consent for increased or recurring sexual contact. For example, agreeing to kiss someone doesn’t give that person permission to remove your clothes. Having sex with someone in the past doesn’t give that person permission to have sex with you again in the future.
You can change your mind at any time.
You can withdraw consent at any point if you feel uncomfortable. It’s important to clearly communicate to your partner that you are no longer comfortable with this activity and wish to stop. The best way to ensure both parties are comfortable with any sexual activity is to talk about it.
Positive consent can look like this:
Communicating when you change the type or degree of sexual activity with phrases like “Is this OK?”
Explicitly agreeing to certain activities, either by saying “yes” or another affirmative statement, like “I’m open to trying.”
Using physical cues to let the other person know you’re comfortable taking things to the next level
It does NOT look like this:
Refusing to acknowledge “no”†
Assuming that wearing certain clothes, flirting, or kissing is an invitation for anything more
Someone being under the legal age of consent, as defined by the state
Someone being incapacitated because of drugs or alcohol
Pressuring someone into sexual activity by using fear or intimidation
Assuming you have permission to engage in a sexual act because you’ve done it in the past
† No can be verbal or nonverbal, and often doesn't include the word "no", but rather consists of softened rejections like "Hey let's just chill," "Let's just watch the show," "Let's just go to sleep," "Not tonight," "Maybe later," "I'd like to, but..." etc.
If you're still confused about consent, here are some more educational resources:
https://www.sscok.edu/ComSafetyPgs/Consent.html
http://www.soc.ucsb.edu/sexinfo/article/teaching-consent-your-classroom
https://sapac.umich.edu/article/49
http://www.loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/what-consent/
https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/sex-and-relationships/sexual-consent
https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/comments/7qj4xx/the_metoo_movement_has_me_scared_to_have_sex/dspw4tb/
If you've been sexually assaulted, know that you are not alone. Most victims know their aggressor, and most aggressors are repeat offenders. Even for acts of nonconsensual fondling without penetration or exchange of bodily fluid, you can go to the ER and get a rape kit that can identify your perpetrator. The kit will keep for years if you are not immediately sure whether you want to report. You can also call RAINN for resources in your area. In some areas there are volunteers who will accompany you to the hospital and police station to be your advocate.