This post is completely non-exclusive. There's much more shades to this than in the adobe gamut.
Sometimes, kids (young and old) will have disagreements with their parents.
- Sometimes it's because of stuff that they knew why it was bad, and did it anyway (house parties, getting completely wasted etc),
- sometimes because something real was lost in some way (an antique was broken, keys were literally lost, the dog was killed) and is causing grief,
- sometimes parents react badly due to other circumstances (credit card debt, marital troubles) and
- sometimes, parents just don't understand (no, not the TV trope).
I'll give you an example for each of those major groups, and give you a mature, nurturing and insightful way of how to deal with them and talk about the matter with your parents.
Those will not be the only ways of dealing. But they are healthy, and I know how to communicate them. Using them will not only make you seem more mature to your parents (maybe they'll even come to see that they themselves don't always react maturely - nobody always reacts maturely), they'll also let you get more mature, and when circumstances come along that actually matter, you'll be better equipped, because you practiced those skills with small things.
tldr; talk to your parents a certain way, and your life and relationship with them and the rest of the world will improve
I'll list the anti-patterns that come to mind first:
- Being spiteful
- Not recognizing when you're being spiteful
- Insisting on everything
- Not seeing the other persons perspective
- Not trying to see the other persons perspective
- Insults
Obvious, no?
Ok, let's see
You fucked up and you know you fucked up. - this is easy. Talk to your parents about how they might be having trust issues, and how it hurts affects you emotionally that you did what you did and that you're fucking sorry because of that (mainly).
Something was lost. - this is easy to explain, but can be emotionally distressing, this is why people mostly don't do what I describe here. I'm no exception. When something was lost, anger can surround two major centers: loss to you and loss to your parents.
If it's loss to you, own it. Pronounce yourself an idiot, and try to treat your stuff (or your body, emotions, relationships) better in the future. Actually try your best.
If it's loss to them (be it your future, money or sentimental stuff), own it, too. Make the debt your own. Make an honest effort to make them whole. Not just the occassional five bucks, reduce your pocket money (or whatever income you have) to what you absolutely need to survive and go to school. If they reduced it already, reduce it some more. If you don't have any, find a small job. If it's shitty grades, do the math. They will not just see that you are hurting too, they will also understand that you share their pain, and that they are being taken seriously. That they, while they lost something, gained a kid who shares their values. You, in turn, will practice taking your parents and their loss seriously and become a much more wholesome person.
tld;r Get over it or make them whole. Don't fuck your life (or emotions) up making someone or something whole though. That's just a shit idea on so many, many levels.
Other circumstances stress them out. Dealing with this as the kid in the relationship can add additional stress to your parents load. Tread carefully. Read about approaching sensitive subjects below. If it's ok for your parents to talk to them about it, talk to them about it. Ask what you can do to help. If you can't do anything about it, tell them "You seem stressed. Is there anything that would make life a little bit easier for you right now that I can do?" - helping them in this way (be it their household chores or less shit from you) will not just actually make their every day a bit easier, but they will also feel supported by their kids, and this is a tremendous boon for parents.
tl;dr: If you can, help them, with their approval. If you can't, stay out of it and reduce their stress, i.e. by not fucking up anymore.
They just don't understand. Be it a concert that you want to go to, be it a life decision that you made/want to make: talk to them. Try to find out why they are worried, what the underlying cause is (e.g. personal history, experience, saw a TV show, read something somewhere), and work on that. Also, fully explain your reasoning and your feelings. If you fear they will be "up in your business", tell them "I want to create a mature relationship with you, and I can't do that if I have to fear you act upon what I tell you. I hope I can trust you in this regard, as you can trust me that I'll tell you the truth when you ask for it while respecting my privacy. Are you OK with that?" - rephrase at your own discretion.
If your parents want to discuss something or are unhappy with a part of what you told them - while being honest with them -, talk about it. Realize that they just heard the words, but you were there. That they see people differently then you. That they have different personal experience that you will need to understand fully for the required insight. This requires an enormous amount of dedication during a discussion, but if you can master it, you'll go far in life, and not just with your parents.
tl;dr try to explain your points while also listening to theirs
general ways of approaching sensitive subjects
- Use "relative speech" - always verbally acknowledge that what you're saying is your opinion or at least perspective. That - crazy as it may sound - what you think isn't necessarily the truth. This has nothing to do with age btw, I think everyone should try to talk to each other like that when it matters - it's pure, verbal respect, and we can't have enough of that. Say stuff like
"I think/feel/read/... that ...", "From my point of view ..."
- Conversely, acknowledge their feelings and point of view:
"I understand that you are frustrated/angered/...", "
- de-escalate when possible
"I didn't mean to raise my voice", "I'm getting agitated, please let us slow down.", "I'm sure you didn't say that to insult me, let's move on/I'm sorry I said that, I didn't realize it would be insulting to you" etc
- if the mood isn't right, it's ok to say "I think we should continue this later"
Punishment is (by emotionally healthy parents) usually only dished out as a means to instill a sense of "every action has a reaction" in you, and make you respect the topic/not do it again. Sometimes (even with emotionally healthy parents) it can be a "get back", especially if they are particularly hurt, but if it is one (aka you removed all doubt from their mind that you learned your lesson, but you're still getting the stick), remind them carefully in a non-escalating way that they may be petty. Or at least, be aware that it is not good behaviour, so when you do it yourself with your kids one day, you recognize it quicker. Sometimes, learning what's just not cool, is the best you can take away from a situation, make use of this. But don't fall into "life is so unfair", it doesn't help at all and takes away from your emotional energy.
If your parents are completely unreflected about themselves, and they have a warped sense for punishment (violence, verbal abuse, emotional abuse/guilt trips etc), you can either develop a coping mechanism (internet forums are good for that) or get out of there. I hope I don't need to say where violence is in this equation.
Anyhow, what I want to say is:
** tldr; when you deal with your parents in a mature way, and proactively learn what you need to learn, your punishments will shrink to a minimum. Your parents may be damaged goods in some aspects too, take that into account.**
I'm 35 and I finally got to fix the relationship with my mum following those patterns. Just wanted to let you know, now that school starts again is a good as time as any.
